Killer Cure or Revenge of the Radish

Here I am innocently scraping the outerlayer off the horseradish root I just dug out of the garden. I’m thinking about my next steps in making horseradish sauce where I will chop the root into small pieces and then, along with salt, add white vinegar, a little water, before mixing them up in the Cuisinart.  It’s all very straightforward, ordinary kitchen crafting.  My intent is to use the horseradish in my raw salads because I like its bite.

I begin to believe in horseradish’s potency as the pungent fumes from the horseradish root make their way to my nostrils.  I start seeing the root as a sword because it has a cutting, toxin-purging effect in the body; it can battle viruses, mucous, urinary tract infections and even cancer.

Then I get an idea: a killer idea.You see, my husband, Craig, who is in his mid-fifties, has begun snoring this past year.  Although I am passionate about this man and want to sleep next to him every night, I despise the sound of wet phlegm flapping through his respiratory system. As I think about the snoring, and how it has disturbed my sleep, that precious restorative time, I start feeling more hateful, more evil, and more determined to kill the phlegm.

I think to myself, what he needs is a big whiff of this stuff and that will give me a good night sleep – sleep deprived people think distorted thoughts. So when my root slurry is all mixed up, I take the top off the cuisinart, call him over and say, “Put your nose in this stuff; it will cure your snoring.”  My husband trust me so he lowers his nose into the mixture and takes a full inhalation, the deep kind we all take on a fresh spring morning. The next thing I see is Craig, on his knees, coughing and gasping for breath.

When he can speak again he says with heat in his voice, “Are you trying to kill me?”  I examine his face, which is beet red.  Uh oh! So, believing he is being perhaps a bit overdramatic. I lower my own nose into the mixture, albeit with a touch of caution, snort once and experience the same noxious fumes.  Instantly my eyes sear and a spasmodic coughing fit follows.

Horseradish, that sword-bearing root, took us both down.

After Craig recovered, his nostril passages did, in fact, clear up. That night, I can report  the snoring situation was improved but not completely resolved.  What to try next? Will he sniff my concoctions one more time?

Here’s a traditional remedy for clearing phlegm from the sinuses:

Take ½ teaspoon of grated horseradish sauce without dilution morning and afternoon.  Don’t drink anything for ten minutes and feel your breathing passages open up.